THE BOY NEXT DOOR

My long weekend was finally here and I simply had to get away from all this chaos and madness of the city and opted to take a leave to shagz. I was exhausted like literally exhausted. I did not want to see a computer or anything close to technology and noise for the next couple of days. I was not sure if I wanted my phone to ring as well, but I had to put it on because I needed to communicate with my friend Clare to give me directions to her place in Eldoret. "Otherwise, once I get there I will probably switch off my phone." Those were my thoughts exactly.

 Once I got to the estate, I passed a young man seated on a stone at the entrance of the neighbor's house. From a glimpse, you could see he was good looking but from what he was wearing it will take the third glimpse to actually identify that he's quite a catch. His eyes especially under the 'mpesa' cap were not the first thing you would picture being so luring and amazingly striking. I quickly shook my head and kept walking. It would have been completely awkward to even think flirty things with a shagz guy. What could I do with this guy?...The thought was completely hilarious.

I got to Claire's, and the mum had prepared a feast which made me think she was having a bash until she confirmed that all that was for me. Its quite impressive the way people in shagz will prepare a feast for visitors and back in Nairobi, is bring your things, groceries, drinks, snacks. The country feeling was very relaxing, without wasting time I switched to comfort zone and was ready to enjoy this shagz kinda-life.

Next day, I was helping Claire's mum at the shop, when the guy from the neighbour's came in to buy some milk. He was not wearing his tattered shirt from yesterday. I could literally draw the cubes that formed on his body from the fitting sweatshirt he was wearing. I shook my head again, "this is a shagz guy! there's possibly no way I would even have a conversation with him past hi!" I told myself.

He did not have the common Kalenjin accent and his English sounded a bit polished, or probably I this was me having wishful thinking. I snapped out the thought and gave him the milk and asked if he needed anything else. He asked for my number but I reluctantly refused.

The next two days, I watched my 'neighbor crush' fix the gate, work on the kitchen garden, fix the car and do other jobs through the shrub fence. Talk about stalker eyes, I was literally drooling over some local boy and I was supposed to be doing some healing from the epic breakup that happened one month ago. Between the fence and I, the guy was quite a sight and he didn't have to know about it.

With all these shenanigans taking place in my head, I tried to distract myself with Claire's newborn and chores around the house. Claire noticed my weird crushing moments with the boy next door but didn't intrude to persuade me otherwise. She actually agreed that the neighbor was a fine local boy.I began contemplating whether I should have given him my number.

However, I knew that nothing would come out of this silly crush. He was a local country boy and I was a town girl. There was no way he would fit into my life, it would be just a waste of time.

It finally came time to leave I went to say goodbye to the 'guy next door' and still did not give him my number even after he asked again. The stalking was entertaining, he is a fine piece of art. I agreed that even shagz men can be quite enticing but I can not deal with their way of thinking and way of life. That is not just me.

Two months later, Claire was back to work and we had gone to have a coffee date at Java on Kimathi street. Claire laughed at me because of my silly crush and went ahead to create scenarios of how it would be to be the wife to a local shagz man. The chores, raising kids in the shamba, wearing lesos and long everlasting dresses to church. The thought of the whole weirdness was too funny. I would never make a good shagz wife.

As we went about our business, a sleek black jaguar parked right outside Ranalo's. A tall guy almost with a replica body figure of my shagz crush came out of the car. He closed the car door and began walking towards Java. It was Him. My boy next door, the guy from shagz, it was Him. Wait what was he doing here and wait he doesn't look anything like he did in Eldoret. Does he have a twin? Wait this couldn't be right? He entered Java and sat two seats away from Claire and I. It was actually him or maybe his identical twin. He looked away then suddenly looked in my direction and waved. OH SMUCK! its HIM!! My Shagz guy is not a shagz guy. Dang!! He stood and came to say hi to Claire and I. Claire stared in the same shock I was in.

I can not express the disappointment and confusion that was going through my head but I certainly wish I made a move back in Eldoret. Maybe I still have a chance. But how do I start? Probably my number...

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

Yeah I know..this was one of those days where things were taking off really well. I finally managed to make somehow round shaped pancakes which was simply a mystery to me. Those pancakes were very free-spirited to the point of almost looking like a necklace and others like a Masai hut. After whistling to the last pancake out of the pan, I joyfully trotted to the dining table to serve the delicacy to La Familia. This time I was willing to share. My small sister was the first one to dive in and she was really impressed by my prowess of my pancakes looking like food other than art on a plate. "Come and see this, El made real pancakes this time." If you are a stranger to this family, this is actually an achievement to have gotten that far in cookery skills.

After breakfast, I rushed to take a shower and then went into the next puzzle of what to wear. I know this does not come as a surprise to you but Oh well, it is an important ritual I have to go through every day. Over the past few months, I have added weight, so it is not exactly the dilemma of having too much to choose from but having almost nothing that fits you. Anyway I did not despair, I wore my only pair of jeans that gets to the waist with a lot struggle of jumping up and down my room and eventually lying on my bed to get it to close at the zip region. and the overflowing top.(my elder sister thinks the top makes me look pregnant) but at least no one gets to see the tummy. You know growing fat makes you grow through worse stigmatization than even HIV. I always have to deal with some very obnoxious questions of "When are you due?" "How is are your three children?" "Wow this pregnancy is really bursting out" I could almost punch someone if the face when I reveal that I am not pregnant, neither a mum but I just have a 3 CD changer to replace my tummy...Round is a shape too. It is a miracle even remembering when half the world thinks you are in your thirties and am barely 23.

So Closet done, and I can say I think the jumping up and down in my room lost me a few kilos because the outfits looks pretty OK to me. Immediately after I was done, I rushed out to go see my boyfriend at his place. I felt like a million buck walking on the road, with my sling bag intact and my ear phones booming to my favorite songs, this was gonna be a good day.

I took a matatu to town and another one to Gachie. When I got there, I was in a different continent altogether. The mud looked like a chocolate smoothie carpet waiting to sink you in. I was in sandals for heaven sake. As I stood at the stage thinking of the next option, some car sloshed past me sprayed me with mud on my jeans. The Pea Brained individual decided to tie and dye my outfit now I was left with no much choice than to take a bike before the situation  got worse. Immediately I got to their gate I started knocking like Hurricane Katrina was right about to swallow me whole. " Kevo Fungua Gate!!!" "Ni kunoma...Fungua Gate" I took a stone and hit the gate harder. In my head, I was desperate to get myself in that gate because I did not want to be spotted looking like a beggar after the 'tie and dye incident'.

I kept knocking that gate like I was promised a trip to Paris for the many times I knock. Sooner or later I heard someone at the gate and relief drew all over my face. However, the person opening caught me all by surprise. It was not Kevo but a female older version of him. I could notice the resemblance in their eyes and cheekbones. She was not very happy to see me.

"Kevin is not around. He will be back shortly, whom do I tell was looking for him?" The lady said.
I was too shocked embarrassed, my loud mouth took a flight to Canada and my voice went on vacation. I gasped for breathe tried to compose myself to speak. " I am Lydia, I wanted to borrow the English dictionary, but its ok, I will use google." I whispered. She nodded and closed the gate. And that HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, KEVIN! probably that is why I did not ever come back to your place or picked up your phone for a few days.

Embarrassed could not begin to describe the feeling I was going through while I walked back to the stage looking like a confused brain. Just when I thought I was getting lucky in this dating life, my results went back to the initial shape of my pancakes. SHAPELESS!