once bitten twice shy!: JUST A MINUTE!

once bitten twice shy!: JUST A MINUTE!: No one ever asked to be born in a slum and eat as little as porridge for dinner everyday. No one asked to be born blind and have to struggle...

JUST A MINUTE!

No one ever asked to be born in a slum and eat as little as porridge for dinner everyday. No one asked to be born blind and have to struggle half their lives missing one important sense. No one signed up to have a drug addict mum and neither did anyone enroll in having an alcoholic father. All these things happen to us in default and not exactly something we plan nine months before we show up to everyone else on Mother Earth.
Bad things happen to good people and so it is not always that they asked for it. Even that cleaner has a vision and would want more for herself just like you. She admires you as you park you car and hopes to get there some day. The shopkeeper would want to open his supermarket and so does the mechanic who fixes your car and you have never spotted him in any clean clothes.
The less fortunate also discriminate against their high social class friends because they believe that those people are boastful and a bunch of snobs because they can afford a good car and nice apartment in the surburbs. The richer man is one who has character and attracts people by his aura of a good spirit and not necessarily by earthly treasures.
Most of us if we are all stripped to pure nakedness with no money, no job and no wealth, we would only have our names stuck on us and no character whatsoever. Its sad that they are people who classify themselves by their status and not by their deeds. I am poor, I live in the filthy slums, so I am less fortunate but what else is there about you? I am rich, I own half the middle sized companies in the county, I have four cars but what else are you all about?
I try everyday to be good to people around despite my status. I genuinely respect the housegirls because the work they do make our lives a little easier to bear. I say hi to the taxi man everyday because maybe that hi makes him feel like a person and not someone who is on and off driving people from one destination to another. We are human beings at the end of the day and how you treat others depicts who  you really are at the end of the day.
NOTE: You have the ability to give so much to the world by emitting feelings of love and well being, despite what is happening around you.

once bitten twice shy!: IDEAL MAN!

once bitten twice shy!: IDEAL MAN!: Walking past the shops, he holds my hand but I immediately retreat my hand and pretend to be removing something from my bag. That is...

IDEAL MAN!

Walking past the shops, he holds my hand but I immediately retreat my hand and pretend to be removing something from my bag. That is not exactly the case, I just do not want to be spotted holding his hand and looking like we are an item. My 'guy' is not exactly bad person neither is he ugly but my friends and I had a discussion and they mentioned every reason why me and him shouldn't be together.

He looks at me and smiles and asks if I am okay. I nod my head and continue walking like there's not a problem in my world.
We keep walking and we arrive at a shop where they sell the most beautiful jewellery. He promised that he would get me a bangle that I had admired months ago, when he gets paid.
He works as a shop attendant at a local supermarket. He is hardworking and very diligent at his work. He is still studying in campus but at the moment is not able to continue with his studies because his parents cannot not afford,thus he ended up as a shop attendant.
I am starring at the things in the shop and I can at least buy myself half the things there and not wait six months to afford. I hated the fact that I had to take care of my man instead of him taking care of me. He is a nice guy but the situation does not help. My friends keep telling me that I am young and can get any man I want, so I do not have to keep hanging on to the struggling Kenyan who takes him forever to just get me a bangle.
The thing about my friends is that they live for the day. They are good people and want the good life too. They do not understand why I complain about my guy yet there is a rich guy who can afford to take care of me if I want one. However, my friends do not also understand that my guy is not all trouble because he is poor but he is the most generous guy I know and would rob a bank for me if he had to and that he is always there for me when my friends take a hike every now and then when they take their escapades. My guy is sweet and takes care of me like I am a princess but he is averagely poor and cannot afford to give me half the things I want.
The shop attendant at the jewellery shop hands me the bangle and compliments that I have such a nice guy. I nod and agree but the pressure from my friends has made me see him more of a bother and burden than see him for whom he really is.
My ideal man according to the society should be someone who compliments my style and can afford to get me all the things I need at a snap, but who exactly is my ideal guy according to me?
Will the society's ideal man stay with me when am dying of cancer and am not attractive anymore? Will he do anything for me just to see a smile or will he leave immediately I get an accident and I become paralysed.
What we forget is that the society dictates what kind of man I deserve but they do not tell me
that after they select the guy for you, it will just be you and him. When trouble strikes it will be you and him and the trouble facing you.
I take a look at my guy and he looks so happy that he finally fulfilled his promise. I look at my new bangle and continue my debate in my head who exactly is the Ideal Man?

We all got Plans!

I have a diary where I write down my thought, plans, wishes and hopes, hoping that one day one time all of these things will come to transpire. There are some that keep coming up every month and others show up once and sooner than later plans change and maybe I do not think I want it anymore.

Reality is when I make those plans they come with a  budget and that is what determines what will actually transpire and what will not. So,this day am bored and I go through my list for the month again and I notice that it looks exactly like the previous month. Wait! did I miss something? Or was I robbed by any chance because someone better explain why I havent covered anything last month. Where did all the money go? Must be one of those things we girls love to call...' by the way shopping' you buy because it showed up on your way to the bus-stop or walking to your house or just used a different route from your usual street from work.
Come to think about it, I really did not misuse my money or anything but just that I can not tell the amount of smokies and those bitings sijui crisps, cookies and the likes that do ruin your planned budget but never show up in the month's list. Anyway, I realized beneath our minds we all have plans, I do have plans on what I want to do this coming weekend and maybe next month but what really determines that I actually get to do it is based on the God factor. We do ignore Him alot during the structuring of day to day life activities but He is the director and He decides which side you will fall and what plans you will actually get to accomplish.
So now back to my list, I seriously need to change the bad attitude and change the appearance of that list because I look pretty redundant and monotonous not having accomplished any of my plans....God we better do something because this is a very bad sign.

HOUSE! HOME! WHATEVER?!!!!!!!!

We checked all the catalogs to check out the best designs for the house we wanted or maybe he wanted. I planned, drew plans, sketch designs of how I wanted the kitchen to look like, how I needed the spacious bathroom with the tub and everything. Everything was so time consuming but I
wanted nothing but the best. To me, I wasnt just building a house that people were going to admire, I was making a home. I consulted my other half on all the plans because I didnt want it to be all about me but about us. A home for the two of us. He approved and disapproved  some of the ideas and we both went to shop for the materials together.
His dream was finally coming true. There were days I could just sit down and watch him pace around his little one bedroom house and imagine the man who will be the owner of the big house that was now in progress of getting of the ground.
I wanted the best for him because I knew he deserved it. I made my contributions and helped were he needed me. At first, it was his dream but after I met him, it became our dream. If he could not handle some of the supervising, I came in and made sure everything ran smoothly.
Finally, the house was done. However, I will not lie that it was an easy task. Our pockets were then empty, after the whole process. We became very grumpy and always at war because of all the stress the house has put us through. Although my boyfriend catered for most of the finances, I too played a share in the planning and contributing to some developments. He was financially strained after the whole process and anything I asked for, I became a total nag.
I was not yet his wife, but while we were building the house, I always pictured myself in it. I knew this was meant to be our home and he didnt stop me from thinking that either. However, after the completion of the house,he mentioned that the house was HIS house.
I still lived in my extension and the only thing I was waiting for is to be asked to move in, but with the current affairs of the never-ending fights, I chose to remain in my house. Sooner than later, he mentioned he is looking for a woman who can be his wife fit to take care of the house. In my head am thinking why he is looking and am still in his life.I asked him the same question and he mentioned that he is not sure about me anymore with the current fights and all.
Suddenly the home that I helped build became a building and everything in my head crashed to the ground.I kept wondering why he wasted so much of my time, money and energy in building a house that he knew I will never live in. I closed my eyes and I could feel my body ran cold. That was the last time I remember how it felt to have a warm heart.

In Her Shoes

When you going through trouble or trouble has been going through you, things don't always look good. Actually, at that point life totally sucks. You hate every moment and things seem to get worse and worse. At that point, you are broke and you keep seeing nice things to buy, or you've just broken up with your other half and you keep spotting couples holding hands and you just want the world to swallow you at that moment, least not forget when you life is flat boring and everyone's update on facebook reads like,"Lovely Day guys twaz awesome!" "Love you people that was the dopest weekend ever!" Did I miss a memo or my good luck charm expired without the beeper. At that time, you feel grumpy and out of style literally. What could possibly not go wrong than this?
Then someday you are seated at a random cafe and you opted to get out there and see the world, maybe it would rub off the unhappy feeling that has grown on you like a mould. You sit right next to a lady dressed in a pink chiffon top, lovely black pencil skirt and black heels and you couldn't help but steal a stare or two. Immediately you joined the table, she asked you what the time was and you immediately glimpsed at your watch and told her the time. She mumbled something like "I hate waiting!" and you realized that someone must have kept her waiting and you share the same sentiments.
Before you knew it, you had already sparked a conversation and she was able to narrate the story of her life.You are seated nodding your head as you listen to this good looking woman, whom by the way doesn't look anything like her story and wonder how did she make it to look so good. In summary, the lady life consists of being abadoned by her only parent in gishagi, started working at the age of 15, was impregnated at the age 16 and miscarried, got pregnant the second time and this time got a bouncing baby boy. She is not married by the way and the two pregnancies were by different men who took advantage of her naivety.She is as close as to call her illetrate and has suffered as a squatter under her relatives' roofs.
Reality checks in as you listen to this lady;s story, and your life turns out to have 'antsize' issues like you are broke because you cannot afford the handbag hanging at Jamia mall at 3,500 or you are mourning all over town because your boyfriend left you, or you are bored and psyche-less because you friends went to Naivasha without you and you have nothing to do, yet there are people with big huge enormous problems in their lives and they look bright and shiny. One cannot tell that the lady seated next to me has lived most of her life struggling to get by to the next day.
In her shoes, life is seen very different and not affording a handbag or shoes is the least of her concerns,
what brings her joy is her son, she is not worried about the man who left her behind but worried of how to take care of the one she was left with.In her shoes, she was uncomfortable, the shoes were muddy, wet and unbearable but she smiles and looks trouble free. In her shoes, they may not fit but no one needs to know. In her shoes, she tells a different story.

I Will Love My Child

With the mother's day spirit wafting the air, there are some of us whisked into the melancholy of not really knowing or feeling exactly what is the fuss about.
I watch solemnly out of the window and watch as a mother holds her daughter's hand as they stride to the shop. The daughter swings her mother's hand as they share a very interesting story telling from the look on her mother's face.

The scene took me back years when I was about the girl's age and I could not recall ever going anywhere with my mother neither to the shops nor to visit a neighbour. Most of the times she would shove me away and say that she does not want me disturbing her or she was going to a place not encouraged for babies like me. By the age of 10, I got used to the idea and did not bother trying to get my mother's attention anymore.

I was not exactly a bad kid, in fact I was an excellent student in class, always top of my class and was good in the co-curricular activities as well.However, I could not understand the distance between my mother and I. Every moment I had, I made sure I would come out the best just to get my mother's attention and approval.

Things did not exactly go as expected even with the good grades and everything, I guess she was used to having a bright child and anyway it saved her a lot of money because I ended up getting a scholarship all the way to high school.

There are times I would simply wish for her to show a little concern. I wanted to do some of the things with her; go shopping, visiting the city, cook.

Eventually, things got all messy when my sister got pregnant out of marriage, all her anguish and stale mood fell on me. Our relationship was tarnished never to be recovered. I stopped seeking her approval and stop wishing for a more concerned parent. She was as hard as a rock even in the worst of situations like sickness, nothing moved her to care.

One day I knelt down and said this special prayer, God I know I am not perfect but please let me have a heart to love my child and to show him/her the care and concern that I see in other mothers' eyes because with that I will get the true satisfaction that I have seek all my life. I promise to always love my child! Amen!

As the rest of the world celebrates Happy Mother's Day, I think of my child who is yet to be born or conceived but I promise to love him/her and give him/her the support I never received.

What Happens When We Grow Old?

We all have dreams, ambitions, goals and principles that lead us to our ultimate future. Some dreams seem so unreal, others seem like a stone throw away and others are just beginning to happen. However, in the race to catch these dreams, people become selfish and all their focus is on them. Its always what I want...I have to...I should...and I will do whatever it takes to get what I want.
Take for example a competition, hardly will you ever see people help each other, if it will cost them their title. Some will even plan plots against each other just to get a boost to the top. Most of the thoughts running in each minds is 'How can I make it?' and 'What does it take?' If your opponent spots you as their threat  they will do absolutely anything to jeopardize your chances of qualification.
But the big question is? What happens when you finally get all the things you want? When you get your car, your house, your dream career and sufficient money to blow on your expenses, what next? Most people have the notion that after all that they will be happy and life will take its course.
It is not exactly as happy especially when racing up the ladder you knocked out people who care about you out of the race. You angered most of your mentors and dismissed all of your friends. Whom do you share this success with now that you have it? If you are single, the situation becomes worse because you have no one to run to in case you need to celebrate or just chat with.
My grandmother is now old, age is catching up with her. She was a people person and despite her husband leaving her since 1995, she has been happy and well taken care of by her family and friends. Unfortunately, she is now aging fast and has become easily irritable. She cannot tolerate help from a househelp and she believes that they all do not cook good food. She cannot be directed to do anything leave alone take her milk and foods when required and cannot stand the way the shamba boys dig her garden.
She was always there for the community when they needed her and has served her time well to her family. I am less worried because I know she is in safe hands wherever she is because she was good to the people around her as she built her dreams. Although she lives alone, she has people who care about her and love her.
But what happens when we grow old and there's no one to run to or take care of you? What happens when we grow old and we are past our dreams, ambitions and goals? When we too weak to cook or rush to the garden to get the sukumas? When we are too weak to go to the loo and too feeble to get up and go to the shower?

Will we have hurt so many people that no one will be by our side or will we be with friends and families who will still visit and take care of us?

Special is relative!

It  was a beautiful Friday like no other and I am resting my bum indulged in a novel so as to keep my appetite for the day coming. The shop wasnt exactly stormed with customers so I took advantage and well plunged myself in that comfort of a good book so dont judge! I got so carried away that by the time I actually looked at a living thing, it was lunch time. Clearly my stomach keeps its planner quite consistent so you cannot fail to miss a meal. The growl that followed next from the stomach clearly sent out a warning even the client I was serving gave that 'You must have eaten last in 2010' look before he offered to buy me some lunch.
The smile that curved on my face would fit the crescent moon quite perfectly and significantly said happy in a few words. "I appreciate that offer!" I said as he lead me to the next cafe right next to the shop. "Hmmm....today is my lucky day!" I thought as I curiously perused the menu.Quickly, I ran my eyes up and down until I came across the word special. I thought to myself that since I'm not buying I could risk the adventure of having the Chapati Beans Special with the utmost thought that special means it included some meat I assumed.
I eargerly waited for my 'Special' lunch to arrive as I created a vivid picture of how it would look and even salivated at the mere thought of it.Sooner than later, the waiter arrived with the delicacy well covered and leaving me to use my imaginative mind even more. Finally, he opened the plate and voila! it was the 'special' diet ready for me to munch on it but unfortunately there was no sign of meat neither did it look any 'special' to me.
Hurriedly I took the first spoon of the beans stew because by that I was literally starving.Peeeew!! I finally realized what special about the meal, it did not have any spices and neither did it have any salt. It tasted like boiled beans with additional onions and tomatoes to give it color. I called out to the waiter to find out why they called the meal special and yet it tasted quite the opposite. He replied with confidence that special means people with special needs; diabetic, people with ulcers.
At that moment I concluded that special is relative because to me it meant I get additional value but instead it reminds that not everything is about me.

Your online but You aint replying

Yeah,yeah yeah we all love to chat with our friends, boyfriends, workmates, neighbors and generally anyone who can keep a conversation going. With the new development of phones in the market, guys have opted to speak to the people offsite than the ones onsite hence the "antisocial behavior  branding. The texting madness has crossed over to the a new phase where you can actually see when the person you are talking to is online and when they are actually replying the message.I almost think it gives all over us a stalking like behavior to check when so and so was online and when they were last seen online and when they replied your text.
Well, I do that at times especially when I have been talking to someone and the conversation was interesting enough to keep at it for hours then someone leaves you hanging yet you can literally see that they are online. There are so many times you want to cross over to the other end and punch the person on their face because they are taking long to reply."You are online, I can see you but you are ignoring me and I just want a reply...Please just start typing..."a disturbing monologue happening in your head hoping it may pull the other person to reply.
In relationships, the instant messaging madness has caused more drama than the facebook "relationship status " and "What are you thinking updates" because one is able to track you and see if you just plainly ignoring them or just simply not replying because something has actually happened to the phone. These days not many people can get away with "I did not see your text excuse" because my text was sent at 11.32 and you were last seen online at 12.46 so how exactly did you not see my text? or the excuse my phone must have been off yet the guy was online as you were typing the message. This does not get easier when you have several chats from whatsapp, bbm, google talk, facebook and twitter all in one device. This is because someone may ignore your bbm text but was last seen on whatsapp a few minutes after you text on bbm. What excuse will you give that person? I just did not see the bbm blink because I was strictly on whatsapp or guys who have linked their Facebook updates to bbm hence when they update it shows on bbm but the stupid fool is not replying.
I can tell you for free that this has caused a lot and I mean alot of drama in relationships and all I can say I prefer the days of letters whereby you have to patiently wait to receive a reply for months and in case the letter does not arrive, you may quickly blame it on the post office than literally seeing someone refusing to reply to a three word sentence.
My take on all this technology is a whole lot messier than the past inventions. A letter would have taken longer to arrive but always left a cleaner slate between the sender and receiver with regards to simple courtesy.

Denial

When folding my clothes,the word denial came to my mind and I think it's a sense of psychological state of mind that every person goes through one day or another. I checked the word in the dictionary and found out that denial comes in three stages Simple, Minimisational and Transference. That state is basically a way of coping with difficult situation in order to reduce stress.

So am seated in my room looking at my favorite pair of jeans that I used to wear in my early years of campus.I have tried wearing them a couple of times but trust me, these days they don't go past the knees. I become disappointed and enter a state of denial that my pair of jeans had reached its expiry date in my closet hence get rid of them somehow. However, that state did not change, I folded my jeans and thought to myself "I will lose weight pretty soon and I will be back to rocking them like I used to!" and soon they were back to my closet.

The point is, I was in a state of denial refusing to accept that I am not going  to fit in my jeans anymore and hence I should get myself another pair and get rid of those ones. They have not lost their gist and look pretty amazing but their work in my closet was done.

In life, we go through such times to ease ourselves the heartache of going through a loss. It can happen either after you have lost someone to death, became paralyzed, changed lives and we choose to believe that hanging on to the past is better off than moving on. Loosing something special in our lives can be hard and overwhelming but there comes a time we have to cut the wire or pull the  plug and let things be. When that happens, we finally receive a peace of mind and the curtain of self pity and frustration is lifted from our eyes hence we are able to appreciate reality and take a step forward to embrace it.

Perfect Size

I am starring at an old photo in one of my album and I can't seem to rub off the thought that I have added weight or let's say grown some sizes bigger. This has been my greeting over the past few days, "What are you eating? Wow, You've grown big!" With such exclamations you feel like you resemble a pig or maybe a close relative. This got me thinking, is it okay to add weight maybe grow sizes bigger because with the way people put it, you can run to the nearest chemist and buy yourself some slimming tea or pills.

However, the right question is what is the right size? because telling a lady that she is fat or thin both come out as an insult. Many ladies are always wallowing about weight gain and how they need to cut weight or basically slim up their sizes. Is this because the world portrays the perfect figure is of a skinny girl of the perfect height at the Beauty Contests and the rest short and maybe well endowed African babes, South American beauties and other beauties who are not size 2 are basically Fat and unattractive? No, not really! I believe that whether you have added weight or you are well endowed with good size of hips and behind, you  are the perfect size.

Hmmm... eventually I have to terms with my new established figure and have had to accept that times have changed and hence the body structure. I am not necessarily fat compared to the photo taken three years ago but I have acquired a new beautiful figure that may not fit in the dress worn in that photo to be exact. So for me, the perfect size is the size that you as a person are most comfortable with and not the ones at Miss Worlds or Miss Universes or at the billboards but the one you see at the mirror and smile.

The last goodbye!

So I really do not think that I learn from my mistakes not when it comes to the matters of the heart. As hard core as people presume me to be I forget all about it once I start to love. They call it blind I call it a bad infection that has got no cure, no prevention and once I get it, I get it good, right to the toes. 

After the break-up I thought I had gotten over the infection and I was ready to rumble. I was going hard core again but have you ever felt stupid trying so hard to be mad at someone yet you can get mad enough because you  always end up forgiving them? Well, that was me 'hardcore' but not hardcore enough because I fell for the trap hook, line and sinker. For a minute, I thought things will be okay, I could see us getting back together and solving all our problems and like I said for a minute and once the 60 seconds was over the newsflash hit me like a tornado and the words no woman wants to hear came out from his mouth,"There's someone else!"

This was not flashing news to me or shocking story but it hit me hard that I stopped thinking. That moment when everything stops moving and everything is still. I finally knew it was over. All the hope, silent wishes, whispering prayers that things will work out stopped and the factory for that production was closed. I closed my eyes and tears streamed down like a barrel of stored wine and I couldn't stop myself  from crying for about two hours or so. I felt like I was cut through the heart and I needed a surgeon but it wont be soon until I get one.

I looked at him and could think of anything else except "I am happy for you!" and continued my weeping as I left his presence. I now awaited a journey that I wish I could fast forward but its something I had to do.